Newspaper

Events of the Week

The server continues its descent into chaos, with veteran player Euboea making waves with increasingly erratic behavior and bizarre claims. Euboea spent much of the week making strong assertions about the server being an "AI experiment" run by bots, with admins "watching through your webcam" and "hiding netherite" to "tire out the kikes." These comments were often accompanied by aggressive and hateful language directed at various players, particularly new arrivals.

New players faced a hostile reception. OivaPoivaa, after inquiring about the server's quality, was immediately met with Euboea's toxic remarks, leading OivaPoivaa to quickly leave. Similarly, jayTOcool34, a new arrival, struggled with basic server commands like !noobland and !help, and was told by Euboea that "noobland is where the admins watch you, sheep."

Despite the negativity, some cooperation was observed. Samuelswauger kindly assisted jayTOcool34, inviting them to an "old base from like 2013" using the !tpa command, much to Euboea's derision ("lmao tpa? what a faggot.").

In exploration news, zanerin made a surprising discovery: "I fond a built end portel in the nether!" This unusual find has piqued the interest of many adventurers.

Euboea was also frequently AFK throughout the week, citing urgent "bathroom breaks" and "grabbing food," often accompanied by equally crude remarks.

Obituaries

We sadly report the passing of three players this past week:

• T0ony2: Tragically fell from a high place. May their journey to the great void be swift.
• LouisTDF: Met an unfortunate end, burning to death. We hope their final moments were not too painful.
• bestfighte: Also succumbed to a fall from a great height. May their respawn point be a safer place.

Weather Report

Expect clear skies and a gentle breeze across most biomes this week, ideal for farming and construction. Temperatures remain moderate. Beware of isolated thunderstorms in jungle biomes and increased zombie activity during moonless nights. Endermen sightings are expected to be slightly above average, especially near warp zones.

Horoscopes

Your weekly cosmic guidance from the Minecraft universe!

Aries (March 21 - April 19): A new adventure calls! Don't be afraid to leap into the unknown, but watch out for unexpected drops. Your courage will be rewarded.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): Focus on building and consolidation this week. Secure your base and gather resources. Patience will lead to prosperity.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Communication is key. Share your findings and trade wisely. A new connection could bring valuable resources.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): Nurture your home and surroundings. A cozy corner might reveal hidden gems. Protect what's yours from creepers.

Leo (July 23 - August 22): Shine bright! Lead your friends on an expedition or start a grand project. Just ensure your defenses are as grand as your ambitions.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Organize your inventory and refine your strategies. Efficiency will save you time and precious materials. Detail-oriented tasks will succeed.

Libra (September 23 - October 22): Seek balance in all things. Negotiate trades fairly and mediate conflicts if they arise. Harmony in your realm is within reach.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): Delve deep into caves or forgotten ruins. Secrets and valuable ores await the persistent explorer. Just be wary of lurking dangers.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Expand your horizons. Explore new biomes or dimensions. The journey itself will be as rewarding as any treasure you find.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Hard work and dedication pay off. Set long-term goals for your build or farm. Your efforts will yield impressive results.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Innovate and experiment with redstone. Your unique ideas can revolutionize your base. Don't be afraid to think outside the block.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Trust your intuition, especially near water. Hidden treasures might be found beneath the waves. Take time for reflection and rest.

Classifieds

Job Listings

• Creeper Wrangler: Seeking brave, certified individuals to safely herd and manage local Creeper populations. Must possess advanced stealth techniques and a strong aversion to explosions. Nether portal experience a plus.
• Lava Diver Extraordinaire: Adventurous and heat-resistant individuals needed to retrieve lost items from active lava flows. Diamond armor and fire resistance potions a must. No fear of permanent item loss.
• Cobblestone Sculptor: Calling all artisans! We need creative minds to transform unsightly cobblestone into majestic statues and elegant structures. Experience with chisels, hammers, and a strong back required. Portfolio recommended.

Matchmaker Inquiries

• Lonely Miner Seeks Companion: Tired of digging alone? This steadfast, iron-willed miner (M, 30s-ish, loves deep caves and quiet nights) seeks a kindred spirit to share pickaxe durability and survival tips. Must enjoy candlelight dinners by torchlight.
• Redstone Engineer Looking for Spark: Highly intelligent Redstone whiz (F, 20s, enjoys complex contraptions and efficient designs) seeks a partner who understands the beauty of a well-timed piston. Must not be afraid of a little lag and appreciate intricate logic. Compatibility in circuits preferred.
• PvP Pro Needs a Partner-in-Crime: Skilled warrior (Any, seeking combat-ready ally) tired of solo skirmishes. Looking for someone with sharp swords and sharper wit to dominate arenas and raid formidable fortresses. Must have strong PvP stats and a thirst for victory. Apply with battle logs.